For some reason it has been a tiring week. Not only did I have a lot on my plate, but it feels like family, work, relationships, politics, friends, and social obligations have all somehow been involved. I contain multitudes, and all of us are tired this week! I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, and to an afternoon nap with my pups. Wishing you a restorative weekend as well!
While I decided long ago that having children was not for me, I will always be awed and grateful for my mom and all she does. Not only is she one of the most selfless women I know, but it takes a special kind of bravery to reinvent oneself, to work on one’s flaws, and to examine one’s life and say, “I want something better.” I wrote this poem for my mother a while ago and wanted to share it here, in the spirit of spring and of celebrating nurturing women everywhere.
“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.”
–Maya Angelou
I’ve got an intense case of wanderlust. Photos of faraway places have me itching to plan a trip somewhere — Portugal, Cambodia, Seattle, Uruguay, Kenya, Vancouver! Somewhere new I can discover! I also got to see a few people that are very dear to me this week, leaving me with a deep appreciation for some of my closest friends. Somehow my general concern for the state of the world combined with my feelings this week are encompassed in this wise quote by Maya Angelou. Happy Friday, friends!
Claire Cain Miller’s article on our failure to find value in work performed by women has been on my mind lately, even two years after it was originally published. Why is it that we fail to find women — and by extension, the work that they do — valuable? Just think about the rhetoric involved: in discussing breast cancer, we’re encouraged to “save the tatas.” That’s cute and all, but what about the women attached to those breasts? And consider discussions around sexual assault: we hear appeals from men who try to frame their perspective as uniquely feminist, because they are “fathers of daughters.” Men are asked to think of how they’d feel “if it was their sister.” What about thinking of women simply as people? As human beings? As individuals who have the right to safety and respect in and of themselves, regardless of if or how they are related to men? In the same way that a woman seems to only be valuable in the ways she is related to or benefits a man, work done by women is similarly undervalued.
The “pay gap” women experience is well-documented. As of 2017, women earn a median 81.8% of what men do. And we should be careful to acknowledge that many women experience that pay gap much more deeply than others: median earnings for black women was only 67.7%, and Hispanic women a mere 62.2% of what white men earn. And even though there has been increased awareness of this issue, progress towards equality has made only small strides at best.
Research has shown that there is a great deal more to the pay gap between women and men than women being paid less for equal roles and work. In fact, it has been shown that work and professions considered “feminine” are, in fact, valued less in our society.
“…there was substantial evidence that employers placed a lower value on work done by women. It’s not that women are always picking lesser things in terms of skill and importance… [it’s] just that the employers are deciding to pay it less.”
“Computer programming, for instance, used to be a relatively menial role done by women. But when male programmers began to outnumber female ones, the job began paying more and gained prestige.”
Similarly, doctors in the U.S. are among the highest paid professions, but in Russia, where it is considered “women’s work,” doctors and other medical professionals are among the lowest paid professions. While there is an overabundance of doctors in the workforce, I think it is clear that does not entirely account for the dismally low wages. The majority of doctors are women, so therefore the work must not be valuable.
“…even though they require about the same amount of training as the American doctor… medical practice is stereotyped as a caring vocation ‘naturally suited‘ to women, [which puts it at] a second-class level in the Soviet psyche.”
As far as personal experience, I work at a heritage institution. I often do similar coding work as other information technology professionals. But you’d better believe that coding work done under the more “feminine” title of librarian gets a lot less pay — and regard — than a programmer or data engineer.
The patriarchal structure of our society has brought us to a staggering place: women’s work is not valued because women are seen to have little value. When laid bare this way, it is hard not to be shocked. So how can we change? It is a complex and multilayered issue, one that clearly cannot be solved in a day. Perceptions need to change. Privileges need to be recognized and acknowledged. And perhaps the more we are aware, the more we can push back against what has become the status quo.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about disquiet, and about contentment and happiness. As we step forward into the week, here is a poem I wrote some time ago, compact in size but broad in scope. Some thoughts to ponder.
“For all the fears that the #MeToo moment will be marked by overreach, the fact remains that a single instance of justice feels more surprising than several decades of serial rape.”
If you haven’t read this article by Jia Tolentino yet, I highly recommend doing so. I, too, was surprised by the Cosby verdict last week — and with that surprise came the renewed realization that we still have much more work to do towards gender equality. A man’s job should not be worth more than dozens of women’s safety. A single moment of justice should not be more surprising than rape. The thing men fear about being in prison should not the the thing women fear walking down the street every day. Enough is enough. If nothing else, this guilty verdict signals that our culture is changing for the better, even just in the past year. Time’s up.
Bailey has self-care down pat. Naps every day with zero guilt.
With Earth Day freshly come and gone, I took the plunge and made a tweak to our routine that feels really good. I ordered a big pack of microfiber cloths, a new lidded trashcan, and a reusable liner in a quest to wean us off of paper towels. We are only a few days into this, but so far I am actually quite pleased! Our new cloths are not only reusable, but are more absorbent and efficient at cleaning up messes. Now I just need to work them into the laundry routine, and we’re set. It has been easier than I anticipated so far, I must admit — and now our household is that much more eco-friendly.
There is something uniquely satisfying about seeing a problem and then finding just the right solution. Maybe this might feel like a stretch to some, but I think that sense of satisfaction can be an important part of self-care. Large milestones and big accomplishments don’t have to be the only things we celebrate. Sometimes smaller achievements and personal satisfactions are even more important, because they keep us going and keep us smiling.
The other small thing I did for myself was entirely un-revolutionary, but equally satisfying: I gave myself the night off last night. I have had very little downtime of late, but I’ve been proud that I’ve managed to keep getting everything done, even with extra trips to visit an ailing parent. Well, last night I took the whole evening off instead of trying to cram the laundry into an already-busy weekend, and I am so glad I did. I had time for a much needed nap, I got to bed on time, and I was up early enough that I added yet one more small tweak to my day: I took five minutes to read before making the bed and leaving for work. It is amazing how much less rushed and stressful that five minutes made my morning feel. I wasn’t mindlessly scrolling on my phone while I blended a smoothie — I was sitting down, with a book in hand. It felt great.
So, with three small tweaks under my belt, this week’s little self-care realization is that even a small change can still be a significant one. And that is satisfying in and of itself — to know that even five minutes in the morning, or three new items in my routine, can make a world of difference.
“This is the first time the girl becomes aware that the world requires something other than what she is.”
–Lesley Nneka Arimah, What It Means When a Man Falls From the Sky: Stories
This Friday I am thinking about expectations, and about balance. The world might expect something different than what we are or what we want, but that doesn’t mean we are obligated to give in to that expectation. Find your bliss, find your fulcrum, and don’t let the world upset the balance you find.
One of the difficulties in getting older is watching your parents age. It is bittersweet, getting to know your parents better as adults and as people, while also watching the twilight years of someone you love. I wrote this poem with my dad in mind, who is in his eighties and is having some health issues. While we all struggle with things like money, our houses or vacation time, or our goals both long-term and fleeting — I think in the end, we all just want to be loved.
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
I read Rilke’s Letters years ago and felt such a resonance in my young spirit. I’m feeling a bit off-kilter as many things are in flux at the moment — perhaps it is a good time to return to those encouraging words I found so dear. Wishing you confidence and calm as the week comes to a close, and happy Friday!